It creeps up on you, always two steps behind. You know its there but when you turn around, you can’t see it. It stays at a distance, just out of sight and almost out of mind, waiting for the right moment. The moment to catch up with you. An unsuspecting moment.
It attacks you when you’re getting ready to go out with friends or you’re alone. It grabs you with two hands and throws you to the floor. Both knees against your chest, making it painful to breath. Irrational thoughts run through your mind and your stomach sinks as your mind is ready to take flight. Your body cannot fight this. It has happened so many times, you think you would’ve become used to the feeling, but you don’t.
It hits you like a train and before you know it, it’s gone. The weight on your chest somewhat relieved. The whole feeling of what used to be there isn’t gone though. You sit there, incapable of gathering your thoughts. It leaves a mark each time. It leaves you with bigger fear especially when it hits unexpectedly. When you begin to gather yourself together, after the hyperventilation and your mind is somewhat straight, fear overtakes you. What if this happens again? What will you do next time?
You know you cannot escape this. It will always find you whether with friends, in class, or alone. The longer it waits to come back, the more confident you get that the previous time was the last time…but you know it’s not. It will come back. All you can do is anticipate the next blow.